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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs yes, young lady right there. >> did you see that guy at the ryder cup heckle team europe? >> stephen: oh yeah, an american golf fan, david johnson, heckled team europe as they were practicing a difficult putt, so they challenged him to do the putt. they even bet $100 that he couldn't make it. we actually have the footage of it. ( cheering )
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>> i got that. ( cheering ) ( applause ) >> that's amazing. what a shot. >> start the show! >> stephen: we will in a second. >> start the show! >> stephen: sir, i've been doing this a long time and i think i know how to... start the show. >> then get to it, already! >> stephen: hey, it's the guy who made the putt, david johnson. look! ( cheers and applause ) hey! david! first of all, congratulations. that's really impressive. but, you know, you don't just start a show, you have to begin with topical, political humor. >> i could do it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, really?
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jokes about donald trump are a lot harder than making a putt. >> i can do both. >> stephen: okay, why don't you come up and show me? ( cheers and applause ) >> okay. >> stephen: david johnson, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) i'll tell you what, let's make this more interesting. my friend mr. lincoln says good luck. david johnson, everybody. drumroll, please. ( drum roll )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, mindy kaling! gary owen! musical guest sum 41. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you very much! hey! ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! what's up?
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congratulations. congratulations. david johnson, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. i'd like to start tonight by wishing my jewish viewers a happy new year, because today is rosh hashanah. traditionally, the jewish community welcomes the new year by blowing the shofar. or ram's horn, right here. jon lampley, can i get a "g"? ( blows shofar ) ( cheers and applause )
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that's jazz, baby. ever smell a dead ram? give that a little whiff right there. >> jon: yo i'll pass the next time. >> stephen: oh, my goodness, haven't the jewish people suffered enough? oh, my goodness. that's about as dead as a ram can get right there. on the jewish calendar, this is the first day of the year 5,777. and you know what that means -- it's time for my new sexy rabbis calendar. whoa! well, yeah! ( applause ) all i can say is shana tovah. i wouldn't mind letting him dip my apples in honey. ( laughter ) oh, oh -- i'm so glad "beefcake" is kosher!
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oh, oh, here eis, holding a loaf of hala. oh, that's too spicey. oh, there we go. oh, that's a little too spicey, too. oh, there we go. shofar, sho, good. move over, elijah, i'm saving a seat for him. of course, this rosh hashanah is a somber one for many because they are mourning the passing of former israeli president shimon peres. and this weekend, world leaders went to the funeral, including former president bill clinton and future former president barack obama. and look at what happened when it was time for them to go. ( laughter ) >> what can i say...
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( applause ) >> what can i say, the jews love me. they just love me. it is hard to get bill clinton to leave. just ask the guys who tried to impeach him. thank you very much. thank you. wow! and this is a real national security breach because, now, our enemies know that air force one doesn't have a horn. ( laughter ) oh, this is big news. over the weekend, three pages of donald trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he "declared a $916 million loss" from "his three atlantic city casinos." that's right. ( audience booing ) i'm worried about him, too. ( laughter ) donald trump lost money on casinos. you know what they say, "the house always loses."
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but here's the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. well, when life gives you lemons, don't pay taxes. now, the idea that trump hasn't paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with -- what's the word -- people. ( laughter ) but according to the former rudy giuliani, trump not paying taxes -- ( applause ) i'm not wrong, he used to be rudy giuliani. but trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is. >> the reality is, this is part of our tax code. the man's a genius.
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>> stephen: yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. ( applause ) how loose were his slots? tell you what, i like you, i'm going to comp everyone's room forever. ( laughter ) and giuliani pointed out that trump's not the only one who avoids paying taxes. >> you think it is a good example to avoid, to basically being able to avoid paying federal taxes? >> well, first of all, a lot of the people that are poor take advantage of loopholes and pay no taxes. those are loopholes, also, and they pay no taxes. >> stephen: yeah, those crafty poor people with their loopholes. ( audience booing ) and don't forget the cunning homeless who have found a way around property tax. ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh...
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( laughter ) so, giuliani thinks trump is a genius, and donald trump agrees tweet-bragging: "i know our complex tax laws better than anyone who has ever run for president and am the only one who can fix them." yes, he's the only one who can fix our tax code. just like hannibal lecter is the only one who could catch buffalo bill. ( as hannibal ) "i'd like to help you fix the tax code, clarisse, but first hand over hillary's liver. i'm going to eat them with some fava beans and a nice chianti." ( applause ) no, no. ( laughter ) but it's not like donald trump does his own taxes. he's not there doing the numbers. shouldn't we really be voting for his accountant? jack mitnick.
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mitnick. something about the "mitt" that sounds so presidential. ( laughter ) and trump wasn't done making news. on saturday, he turned a rally in pennsylvania into a free-form poetry slam. >> our country is becoming a third-world country. people walk to the office, they walk to get a loaf of bread, they get shot. cnn -- clinton news network -- which nobody is watching anyways, so what difference does it make? she could be crazy. she could actually be crazy. they don't make movies like they used to. is that right? >> stephen: and they sure as hell don't make presidential candidates like they used to, right? ( cheers and applause ) tiny, tiny hands. tiny hands. tiny hands. ( laughter )
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at the same rally, trump urged his supporters to go out on election day and perform their civic duty. >> you've got to go out and you've got to get your friends and you've got to get everybody you know and you've got to watch your polling booths because i hear too many stories about pennsylvania, certain areas. i hear too many bad stories, and we can't lose an election because of you-know-what-i'm talking about. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. no. i have no idea what you're talking about. you left out all the nouns. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he doesn't say everything. but being a demagogue is like jazz -- it's the racism you don't say. ( laughter ) ( piano riff )
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>> stephen: thank you. ( piano riff ) accusations have also surfaced this weekend that trump sexually harassed women who worked on "the apprentice." according to co-workers, trump openly discussed which female contestants he wanted to have sex with, speculating which of them would be "a tiger in bed." of course, it's trump who's the real tiger in bed. he's orange, has a lot of hair ( laughter ) and every day he refuses to come on this show proves he's a huge pussy. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we've got a great show tonight! sum 41 is here! and when we return, i'm talking to mindy kaling! we'll be right back! ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thanks for joining us again. my first guest tonight is a best-selling author, an emmy-nominated writer and producer, and the star of "the mindy project." >> i'm a single mother barreling towards 40. i should pick one of the rich, handsome doctors who would have me. >> why? i should be happy with whatever i get. picking neither would be irresponsible. >> if neither one is right, wait for someone special to come along. then get escorts or crank it.
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>> stephen: please welcome mindy kaling! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> thank you, hi! it's great to be here! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. nice to see you! >> stephen: you're one of my favorite people to see. >> really? >> stephen: yes, you're excellent company. >> feeling is mutual. >> stephen: thank you very much. congratulations on your 100th episode of "the mindy project." ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> stephen: season 5 is available starting tomorrow on hulu. am i pronouncing that correctly? >> you made it more ethnic than it is. >> stephen: hulu! right, good! >> stephen: i want to be
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sensitive. very few people do 100 episodes of anything. >> i got very excited because i was on "the office" for 100 episodes and it was a great show. then i was looking at who else has done 100 shows and it was like bob newhart and betty white. and i was, like, i'm old as hell. i shouldn't have episodes about 100 shows. i just got here! >> stephen: you didn't, if you did, i need your moisturizing regime. you have the book "why not me?" out now and the 100th episode of your show. when do you have time to do anything? >> don't have time to get me errands done. >> stephen: what have you not done? >> small things like i never get to go to the store. i have been dying to get a mop for months. >> stephen: those are
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obtainable. ( laughter ) in new york city you can get a mop. as a matter of fact, there's a dwayne reed on the corner. go now and get you a mop. >> is that a good use of time? >> stephen: come on! let's go! ( cheers and applause ) there we go! we'll be right back, everybody! come on down here! >> all right! ( applause ) ( whistling ) >> wow! >> stephen: am i going too fast? >> no, a nice steady clip. i like it. >> stephen: that is quite a trot you've got going on there. >> yeah. >> stephen: hi, everybody, wave to the nice people! i understand when you're on vacation you actually enjoy getting recognized by fans. >> makes me feel it's worth it. >> stephen: if no one recognizes us in the dwayne reed, will that be
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disappointing? >> i'll kill myself. >> stephen: so next season is season five -- hey! it's mindy kaling! >> nice to see you! >> stephen: who do you think they're waving at? >> you. >> stephen: i think they were waving at you. how do you feel about catcalls and construction workers? >> i like it. >> stephen: shake it up, sugar (bleep). >> look nice in neon, dude! >> stephen: let's see your jack hammer! ( laughter ) want a piggy back? >> no, i'll be fine. this is very nice. >> stephen: it is nice. this is 53rd street. watch your step. ever power washed anything? >> no, i haven't. >> stephen: may we? thank you very much. try power washing right here. just squeeze the trigger.
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>> whoa! >> stephen: thank you very much. >> thank you! >> stephen: let's keep moving. all right. so what do you need? >> a mop and other stuff, too, might be good. maybe some makeup and -- >> stephen: well, makeup's right here. >> okay, great. >> stephen: let me ask you something. you know something about moisturizing, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: what if you're trying to get rid of fine lines around the eyes? i'm asking for a friend who's 52 and very sad. >> you will have to be a lilt more medical. yeah, beautiful skin, dry skin rescue. >> stephen: would you actually use a tester in the store? >> why not? >> stephen: there you go. ( laughter ) mmm -- >> i feel it working, already. >> stephen: mm-hmm. ah -- >> yeah, this is good. >> stephen: i'm sure my eyes
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won't get that flesh-eating disease at all. >> you don't seem like a big makeup person. >> stephen: i don't wear makeup. this is what i look like naturally. >> wonder lash. >> stephen: we have to keep going. >> all right. >> stephen: that's good. let's get some of these while we're at it. >> okay. hold on. i have no real lashes of my own. >> stephen: and biewdy pads. that's good. hair color? i think i would look like a dashing red. >> yeah, a little ron howard, i like that. >> stephen: reds are having a moment. >> i'd like to get several itunes gift cards. >> stephen: they say i tried the least i possibly can. ( laughter ) all right, let me ask you, hold on, where were you when you found out? >> i was at home and instantly started to cry. >> stephen: mm-hmm. i can't say i wasn't partially responsible for this -- whoa! >> stephen: hey! get out!
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is this your book? that's incredible! >> that's amazing! >> stephen: it's right next to and christine freeman, dark ghost! >> because my book is kind of a soft core. >> stephen: soft core porn? a little bit soft core. >> stephen: are you in these magazines? >> frivolous woman spends money -- oh, i am. >> stephen: you look fantastic. >> on the cover of vogue? >> stephen: that's fantastic. come on, let's go. okay. halloween's coming up. what are you going to be? what do you want? how about this? what about this for me? >> i like it. >> stephen: sexy devil? exy devil. greats. i'm going as hideous hag. >> stephen: here's cat face for you. that's all they have. let's go.
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mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mops. got it. mops. all right. here we go. all right. how big of a body are we trying to bury here? >> i think one will do. >> stephen: we've got sponge, we've got the rope mop which is good because after you mop up with it, you can use the strings here to make a dirty sweater. >> i've only seen that, like, in a play where a guy's mopping. i think it's good. >> stephen: a rope mop or sponge? >> rope, it's more theatrical. who's paying for this? >> stephen: we're on time. two minutes. who's paying for this? >> yeah. >> stephen: you're the one with a tv show and a book. ( laughter ) do you need condoms or anything like that? >> stephen -- >> stephen: just asking. i'll buy them. you don't have to be embarrassed. let's keep going. >> i have to fly back to
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los angeles. >> stephen: okay, good. i need some halloween candy. >> i don't have a lot of trick or treaters in my neighborhood. i live in a sexy neighborhood. >> stephen: you live in a sexy -- what is a sexy neighborhood? >> a sexy type neighborhood. >> stephen: how are you doing today? we have one minute? >> i have no funds, stephen. >> stephen: well, this is a show suit. i don't generally carry cash into combat. would it be okay if we don't pay? >> that could be a problem. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) >> cool. hey, thank you so much
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( laughter ) so how long have you worked here? >> five years. that's so cool. do you -- ( laughter ) -- are you excited when out-of-towners come here? >> eyes, we have many tourists. >> stephen: tell you what, we're going to pay for this stuff and be back with more mindy kaling. we're good. >> thank you. we're good. >> thank you. have a nice day. okay, bye. mp on my long-term control medicine. i talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment with breo. once-daily breo prevents asthma symptoms. breo is for adults with asthma not well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. breo won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. breo opens up airways to help improve breathing for a full 24 hours. breo contains a type of medicine that increases the risk of death from asthma problems
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one is this. >> i'm going to hit my assistant with this. >> stephen: you're going to get this through t.s.a.? you live in los angeles. >> yes, because it's important. this makes me look like i clean my own home which i do. >> stephen: speaking of people who don't clean your own home, you have said of your character that she enjoys a white male level of privilege. >> yeah. >> stephen: that is you or your character? >> my character. >> stephen: what do you mean by that? i love how selfish she is. >> yeah, i think she has just decided that she's going to live her life with the kind of fun entitlement of a white man. >> stephen: it is fun, i've got to say. it's pretty fun. i recommend it. >> it is. >> stephen: highly recommend it. >> you open any newspaper, turn on your tv and see yourself accurately represented and represented a lot. >> stephen: sure, right. you're a late-night talk show, white man privilege. >> stephen: yeah.
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o i thought, wouldn't it be fun if i played a character who doesn't see her sferl as a -- herself as a subjugated person? >> stephen: and she's not. no, she's almost overly corrected, she's almost delusionly confident, which is fun to play. >> stephen: do a lot of people come up to you, because i'm sure a lot of young women enjoy your work. i learned about you through my daughter. do they treat you like an ob/gyn? >> yeah, that's the nice part when you play an ob/gyn is people feel close to you and say, oh, you could be my ob/gyn, and then things that's too personal like their sex lives and advice, because i play that kind of character. >> stephen: and where are the stirrups? i'm ready to go. >> yeah, look at this growth and
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i have this because i'm a people pleaser. >> stephen: hence the mop. yeah. >> stephen: let's look at the book. this is the paperback of "why not me?." i have to say one thing i'm honored by. on the back you have a diagram of your heart. i don't know how close you can get. but this part of the heart right there, can you see? it says "stephen colbert." >> i didn't just make that for this appearance. >> stephen: it's in the hard copy as well. i'm honored to be in that part of your heart. why? >> i think you're an inspiration for young comedians. i'm a big fan. >> stephen: and i am of yours. ( applause ) >> i think many people feel that way and i think you're placed between my phone and praise and attention. so your space is almost as big
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as the place in my heart for my cell phone. >> stephen: that's nice. and i love my cell phone. >> stephen: i know. i love my wife very much and occasionally leave the house without her, but i never leave without my phone. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's talk about a froblght we're excited about it. you and amazing people are doing a reboot of the "oceans" trilogy starting with "oceans 8", all female. who else? >> sandrsandra bullock, caitlin, rihanna -- ( laughter ) does it sound like i'm just naping people? >> stephen: name the best people you can is the game. >> yeah. >> stephen: they bring their skill to the caper.
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what do you do? >> i'm real scared, man, because when i look at that list of people, i'm, like, i know that skill is going to be, like, i get attacked by the guard dog so they can break into the casino. >> stephen: you're delicious to guard dogs, is your skill. >> yeah. >> stephen: have you started? i start in two weeks. >> stephen: is it going to be vegas? >> it's in new york city and there's a fashion element to it ( applause ) >> stephen: there's a fashion element. >> if you took all my favorite things and shook it in a blender, this would be, this is th"the mindythe minimuthe mindy. >> stephen: you're something of a fashion icon. >> thank you. >> stephen: you are. anything you would change about
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my style? anything you would try out? i'm pretty conservative in the way i dress. >> i'd like to see you in a pink shirt. >> stephen: really? yeah, i think a pink shirt is something men sometimes don't want to try to do, but it can add a curvian flavor to your show. >> >tephen: it's what i have been lacking? >> it would be like, hey, i'm cool! you're actors-creative types. you look like a hedge fund guy. >> stephen: if i wear a pink shirt it's like, hey, mon, come down to the dock with me! >> yeah, i'd like it ( laughter ) >> stephen: check out "the mindy project" on hulu and pick up a copy of "why not me?" in paperback. mindy kaling, everybody! paperback. mindy kaling, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ it's olive garden's never ending pasta bowl starting at $9.99!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! and the show rolls on. folks, you've seen my next in "ride along," "think like a man," and "daddy day care." his latest project is "the gary owen show" on bet. please welcome gary owen! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> i love that song. it has my name. >> stephen: the song is gary owen. the calvary marching song. >> really funk. >> stephen: as funky as it gets for the seventh calvary. >> the brothers and i are, like, we don't know this song. >> stephen: you were in the navy. >> i was for six years. >> stephen: what drew you to
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that service? >> well, i grew up in a trailer park, and the recruiter came to my trailer. >> stephen: to the trailer? to the trailer. first you got to go see them, then they come to the trailer. >> stephen: oh, i thought they were trolling trailers. ( laughter ) >> you like being mobile? we got ships! you know? ( laughter ) >> stephen: so the ultimate mobile home. >> you're moving, baby! he comes and says, i can have you out of here next week, just sign on the dotted line. i thought, that sounds good because i hadn't taken the sat or the act, so i thought, i can get out of here. >> stephen: how old were you. 17. >> stephen: i didn't owe you could go in that soon. >> your parents have to sign a waiver. my mom's, like, that's cool! ( laughter ) boot camp, your first day is the worst. they throw a garbage can down,
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they're cursing everybody out. my first day is great because i grew up with a trailer with eight people living in it, the first time i slept in a bed in 15 years. all the guys are crying. and i'm going, this is spacious! what's the thread count on these sheets? i like it! ( laughter ) and then you go to breakfast and it's like they ask you what do you want? i'm, like, you guys are cooking for us?! this is great! >> stephen: what kind of ship were you on? >> i was never on a ship. >> stephen: are you sure you were in the navy? >> i was. i was in a presidential honor guard for two years. >> stephen: okay. that's where we spun the rifles, did the funerals and the parades at white house. because when i was in book camp they said everyone over 6-foot tall and a 34-inch waste, they
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have a train a platoon and you train for eight weeks and start doing the parade. >> stephen: what years? when clinton came in. i did the inauguration for bill clinton in january '93. >> stephen: did he ever say hi or something like that? >> no. funny story about bill clinton -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i bet a lieutenant of people can start a sentence like that. ( laughter ) >> so this is hysterical because during the inauguration parade, you walk by, in front of the white house, and there's al gore and bill clinton and hillary, his wife. as we walk by you do eyes left and you get to stay president, and you can do something, so we were going to throw a rifle up, take a step forward and catch it. and i thought, we'll blow him away, right? no. they had us marching right behind the florida a&m band,
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right? so these -- this is, like, h.b.c.u. and the girls were tootsie rolling and all this kind of stuff. so when we walked by, bill wasn't paying no attention to us. he was still looking at them. i sawed, he missed us! they were like, thought you knew! >> stephen: you were named funniest serviceman in america. so you started your comedy while you were in the service. >> i was still in the navy when i started. >> stephen: how does one get named funniest serviceman in america? >> i made it up. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you consider that the beginning of your professional career or did you have a first night out in a comedy club kind of situation is this. >> first night was the comedy store in lajoya, california. i think i was 20 years old. i wasn't old enough to drink and i had just gotten to san diego. i went on stage, ten people in the audience, about 1:00 in the morning on a sunday, about 20 comics in the back and the the
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comics are heckling me. first time on the stage, five minutes, i can't go right or left, i can't get through a joke. i had a beer in my hand. i said, hey, guys in the back, keep heckling! i have been drinking all night and i'm 20! why don't i call the cops and shut it down? when i said that, the lights went off, two guys picked me up and threw me out of the comedy store. so i thought, i can't come back here, but i can talk smack. so that was the beginning of my career. >> stephen: >> stephen: "the gary owen show" premieres october 11 on bet. gary owen, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by sum 41. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ copper wire. the gillette mach3 is precision-engineered to cut hair this tough.
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>> stephen: my next guests have sold over 15 million albums during their career, and are here performing their new song, "fake my own death." ladies and gentlemen, sum 41! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ ♪ all bets are off but you still ♪ think that you've got a right well, your lucky days are ♪ numbered now and you're to blame ♪ you built a castle of sand shaking the devil's hand, well ♪ at least i've still got my soul to sell ♪ you've got to take me away 'cause i wanna feel ♪ something that's real help me escape ♪ 'cause i wanna be i'll take my last breath ♪ left to be free i just wanna fake my own death ♪ ♪ ♪ you played your part of the whore
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♪ you got some kinda nerve, or have you forgot i don't forget ♪ and you're too late you walk beside the dead where ♪ the angels never tread, well at least i've still got a soul ♪ to sell you've got to take me away ♪ 'cause i wanna feel something that's real ♪ help me escape 'cause i wanna be ♪ i'll take my last breath left to be free ♪ i just wanna fake my own death ♪ ♪ there's nowhere to run ♪ from hell and above i swear to a god that someday ♪ there will be blood
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♪ ♪ it all comes down in the end ♪ in spite of me you do it all again ♪ it all comes down in the end in spite of you ♪ i'll do it all again you've got to take me away ♪ 'cause i wanna feel something that's real ♪ help me escape 'cause i wanna be ♪ i'll take my last breath left to be free ♪ i just wanna fake my own death ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thank you! their album, "13 voices" is out on friday! sum 41, everybody! we'll be right back.
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ii'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers.age. she's a slob. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat chested is very hard to be a 10.
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does she have a good body? no. does she have a fat [expletive]? absolutely. do you treat women with respect? i can't say that either. (vo) when it comes to your favorite pennsylvania lottery pick games, it's smart to add the new wild ball to your game. sally plays 1 2 3, just like she does every day. but today she adds wild ball. because sally chose to get extra chances to win by playing wild ball, (sally) yah! (vo) she can now replace the number 4 with tonight's wild ball, number 3. making her a winner! (sally) thanks, wild ball! (vo) don't change the way you play, change the way you win! learn more at palottery.com. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow for our live post-vice presidential debate show with john leguizamo, cheri oteri, and paul f. tompkins.
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now stick around for james corden and his guests, jamie lee curtis and kumail nanjiani. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from

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